65+ Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes That Will Keep You Laughing

Mitch Hedberg quotes have a way of turning everyday observations into laugh-out-loud moments. Known for his quick wit and clever humor, Mitch’s one-liners capture the essence of what makes comedy timeless. This collection brings together some of his most iconic lines, packed with sharp humor and unforgettable insight. Stick around as we explore Mitch Hedberg’s best quotes that continue to inspire smiles and spark joy, proving why his legacy remains unmatched in the world of comedy.

Mitch Hedberg Dreams Quote

Mitch Hedberg was a unique voice in the world of comedy, known for his surreal and often absurd one-liners that blended humor with philosophical musings. His take on dreams is particularly memorable, reflecting his unconventional approach to life and aspirations. Below are insightful quotes by Mitch Hedbergg that capture his humorous yet thought-provoking views on dreams.

• "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill." — Mitch Hedberg
• "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!" — Mitch Hedberg
• "I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time." — Mitch Hedberg
• "If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 'Well, I was lost, but now I live here!'" — Mitch Hedberg
• "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." — Mitch Hedberg
• "Dogs are forever in the push-up position." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary." — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Comedy often reveals life’s humor in unexpected ways, and Mitch Hedberg was a master of this craft. His quotes transform everyday moments into bursts of laughter, reminding you that humor can be found in the simplest things. Dive into funny quotes from Mitch Hedberg, and you’ll find yourself chuckling and nodding at how brilliantly he captured the absurdities of life.

• "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." — Mitch Hedberg
• "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long." — Mitch Hedberg
• "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." — Mitch Hedberg
• "Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, 'Do you want me to put them in a bag?' I said, 'Oh no, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag 'em up!'" — Mitch Hedberg
• "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people."— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg One-Liners

One-liners are a tough comedic art, but Mitch Hedberg made them look effortless. His ability to deliver short, impactful jokes speaks volumes about his talent. These one-liners pack a punch, making you laugh instantly while pondering their cleverness. This collection of famous Mitch Hedberg quotes  will not only entertain but also give you quick, memorable lines to share with friends. They’re as sharp as they are hilarious.

• "I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."— Mitch Hedberg
• "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for a donut!" — Mitch Hedberg
• "I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m going to put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down." — Mitch Hedberg
• "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I like to close my eyes on stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids." — Mitch Hedberg
• "If you’re ever in a jam, a crumpled dollar bill is as good as a dollar." — Mitch Hedberg
• "Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall." — Mitch Hedberg
• "When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away." — Mitch Hedberg
• "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I went to a pizzeria, ordered a slice of pizza, and the guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, he gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice." — Mitch Hedberg
• "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was." — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Music Jokes

Mitch Hedberg loved finding humor in the unexpected, and his take on music is no exception. You’ll find yourself nodding and laughing at his ability to turn musical moments into comedic masterpieces. These Mitch Hedberg sayings about music jokes aren’t just about laughter—they’re a symphony of wit that you’ll want to replay again and again.

• "I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a doorknob on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.'" — Mitch Hedberg
• "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music,' as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a sh*tty teacher. I would never have went to me." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day." — Mitch Hedberg 
• "I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something." — Mitch Hedberg 
• "If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way."— Mitch Hedberg 

Mitch Hedberg Girlfriend Joke

Relationships can be funny, and Mitch Hedberg knew how to find the humor in them. His jokes about girlfriends are both sharp and relatable, offering a comedic twist on the ups and downs of love. Get ready to laugh, nod, and maybe even think of your own relationship stories.

• "I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." — Mitch Hedberg
• "My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name 'Lynn.' My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it 'Lyn.' Every now and then I screw up; I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say 'n' as long." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito." — Mitch Hedberg
• "I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap." — Mitch Hedberg
• "My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen." — Mitch Hedberg

20 Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Mitch Hedberg’s comedy has left a lasting impact, and his best jokes stand the test of time. These comedian hedberg mitch quotes are a blend of cleverness, simplicity, and unparalleled humor. You’re about to relive some of his most iconic moments, the kind of humor that sticks with you long after the punchline. 

• "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." — Mitch Hedberg
• "My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?" — Mitch Hedberg
• "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ‘No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’"— Mitch Hedberg
• "In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog.’ I would never say "Here comes that frog" in a horrifying manner. It's always, like, optimistic. Like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to.’"— Mitch Hedberg
• "I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters."— Mitch Hedberg
• "I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down."— Mitch Hedberg
• "Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f*cker wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl."— Mitch Hedberg
• "This one commercial said ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers,’ so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn't know what the f*ck they were."— Mitch Hedberg
• "If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!""— Mitch Hedberg
• "I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open."— Mitch Hedberg
• "I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."— Mitch Hedberg
• "I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait.""— Mitch Hedberg
• "I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.""— Mitch Hedberg
• "On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'"— Mitch Hedberg
• "One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger."— Mitch Hedberg 
• "Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”"— Mitch Hedberg 
• "I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!""— Mitch Hedberg 
• "I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you? - Just practicing.""— Mitch Hedberg 
• “I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you?"— Mitch Hedberg 
• "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"— Mitch Hedberg

Conclusion

Mitch Hedberg quotes leave us with timeless humor that’s as delightful as it is memorable. His witty one-liners and whimsical observations remind us of the joy in seeing the ordinary through an extraordinary lens. Hedberg’s style offers a creative escape, blending simplicity with a touch of the unexpected. 

His jokes, whether about escalators or rice, resonate because they’re both practical and symbolic of life’s quirky beauty. They inspire laughter that lingers, making us see the world with a bit more whimsy. As you revisit his iconic lines, may they continue to uplift your spirits and add a playful touch to your day.