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100 Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlywed Couples

by Thomas Turner 16 Apr 2024
Tie the knot with laughter using Sandjest's collection of funny marriage quotes

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Marriage is a lovely tapestry weaved from strands of laughter, love, and, on occasion, pleasant teasing. This collection of 100 funny marriage quotes is sure to tickle your funny bone and make you smile. Whether you’re a longtime married couple or a newbie learning the nuances of sharing your space, these funny quotes wonderfully reflect the personal experiences that define your special bond.

From humorous digs at domestic habits to lighter remarks about communication peculiarities, these funny marriage quotes are the ideal way to communicate your love and appreciation while having a good laugh. Prepare to chuckle, recollect, and find quotes that will appeal to your shared sense of humor.

Wife’s Funny Marriage Quotes about Husbands

Marriage is a roller coaster of emotions, including laughter, love, and perhaps a bit of lighthearted annoyance. Discover a selection of humorous and realistic marriage quotes from ladies regarding their husbands. 

These playful remarks make gentle fun of the peculiarities and habits that define the distinct dynamics of marriage. Whether you’re looking for a laugh or a way to playfully share with other women, these amusing quotes will put a smile on your face and remind you that laughter is an essential component of a long and successful marriage.

Joyful couple doing house chores with a funny marriage quote about convincing a husband to take action by challenging his age
  • “They say love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
  • “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
  • “My husband and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run his life, and I don’t try to run mine.”
  • “The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.”
  • “Marriage is a relationship where one is always right and the other is the husband.”
  • “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
  • “They say opposites attract. If that’s the case, my husband and I will be together forever.”
  • “My husband wears the pants in our relationship; I just control the zipper.”
  • “If my husband ever met a genie and got three wishes, he’d probably ask for a beer, another beer, and a sandwich.”
  • “You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”
  • “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
  • “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”
  • “Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
  • “An ideal husband is one who understands what his wife did not say.”
  • “My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t have done better, and I couldn’t have done worse.”
  • “My husband is like my wine. He improves with age the more I keep him locked in the cellar.”
  • “Why buy a book when you can join a marriage, and get life lessons for free?”
  • “Marriage: where ‘I do’ is the longest sentence.”
  • “Married life is not a word, it’s a sentence—a life sentence.”
  • “My husband’s motto: ‘Can’t do it today? Why do it tomorrow?'”
  • “Marriage is when you find someone to put up with your crap, who still admires your weird little ways.”
  • “The secret to a happy marriage is to clean the house together… which translates to ‘doing it while he watches TV.'”
  • “My husband told me he doesn’t like drama; I gave him a taste of sitcom instead.”
  • “We always hold hands because if I let go, he goes shopping.”
  • “My husband and I fell in love at first sight… maybe I should have taken a second look.”
  • “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house.”
  • “You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they’re placed around her husband’s throat, she’s probably slightly upset.”
  • “The most romantic line a husband can say to his wife: ‘Honey, I picked up the kids, fixed the leak, and didn’t forget the milk!'”

Funny Marriage about Wife from Husband

Let’s face it – marriage provides spouses with unlimited opportunities for good-natured comedy. The following group of funny marriage quotes includes a husband’s playful take on his wife’s lovable oddities and quirks. These amusing reflections honor the distinct delights and occasional confusion of sharing a life. Whether you’re looking for a relatable laugh or just want to celebrate the lighter side of marriage, these humorous and compassionate phrases will make you smile.

Couple sharing a playful moment in the car with a funny marriage quote about a husband's humorous take on understanding his feminine side.
  • “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
  • “The best way to get your wife’s attention is to sit comfortably and look like you’re relaxing.” 
  • “They say love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener, especially when she controls the bank account.” 
  • “My wife told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.”
  • “You know you’re married when ‘Netflix and chill’ actually means watching Netflix and chilling.” 
  • “Why buy a book when you have a wife who knows everything?”
  • “Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, and numerous other things you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”
  • “They say a man’s home is his castle, but it’s always the queen who rules the kingdom.”
  • “The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret, but I think it has to do with being out of the house.”
  • “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” 
  • “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” 
  • “My wife says I never listen, or something like that…” 
  • “You know you’re in a long-term relationship when ‘sexy lingerie’ is just your wife wearing your oversized T-shirt.” 
  • “My wife always says I have two faults. I don’t listen, and something else…”
  • “On our wedding day, I vowed to always agree with my wife. She says I do a fantastic job.” 
  • “Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill, but not doing it because you’d miss them.” 
  • “They say opposites attract. If that’s the case, my wife and I will be together forever because I’m right and she’s always left.”

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

Married life is filled with laughter, love, and maybe a little good-natured confusion as you embark on an exciting new adventure together. This collection of amusing marriage quotes for newlyweds takes a lighthearted look at the joys and challenges of beginning a new chapter united. As you manage shared living spaces, domestic tasks, and getting to know one other’s eccentricities, these funny quotes will remind you that laughing is the greatest medicine, especially when dealing with the sometimes hilarious realities of marriage.

See more: wedding quotes

Wedding couple celebrating outside with a funny marriage quote likening marriage to drama school, hoping for more laughs than tears.
  • “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.” 
  • “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.” 
  • “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” 
  • “A good marriage is like a casserole—only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.”
  • “Getting married is like going to drama school. May there be more comedy than melodrama.” 
  • “Marriage: where ‘Yes Dear’ are the magic words.”
  • “Newlyweds become ‘oldyweds’, and ‘oldyweds’ are the reasons we have anniversaries.”
  • “In marriage, being right is less important than being supportive. Remember that on your next ‘discussion’.” 
  • “You don’t marry someone you can live with—you marry the person who you cannot live without… that and the one who tolerates your snoring.” 
  • “They say marriage is all about compromise. If that’s true, I really need to explain to my wife why we have five dogs.” 
  • “Love, laughter, and happily ever after. Also, who left the cap off the toothpaste?”
  • “Marriage: an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo.” 
  • “The perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other, and who settle for each other’s weirdness.”
  • “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, but always with the person who has seen you unshaved.” 
  • “A funny marriage quote for newlyweds: Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.”
  • “Marriage: where you discover the TV show choices are more difficult than choosing a life partner.” 
  • “Being married means you can steal your partner’s blankets and they can’t get mad because it’s for better or for colder.” 
  • “Newlywed secret: Sometimes, ‘I’m sorry’ means ‘I apologize’, and sometimes it means ‘I’m sorry you can’t understand my logic’.” 
  • “The truest test of a marriage is if you’re both willing to shout ‘JINX!’ during an argument.”
  • “Marriage: because finding stuff in the fridge isn’t spooky if someone else does it.” 
  • “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” 
  • “They say in marriage you should always choose your battles; too bad my spouse never got the memo about which channel to watch.” 
  • “Newlywed tip: if your wife says ‘what?’ it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.” 
  • “In marriage, you’ll find that every day is a crazy race between love and amnesia.”
  • “Remember: when you see a married couple walking down the aisle, the altar might look like the finish line, but it’s actually the starting gate.”

Funny Marriage Advice Quotes

To be honest, sometimes the best marriage counsel is delivered with a sense of humor.  This collection of amusing marriage advice quotes provides a lighthearted perspective on the secrets to a long-lasting and happy marriage. From managing communication peculiarities to finding fun in the ordinary, these amusing pearls of wisdom remind us that compromise, patience, and a healthy sense of humor are all necessary ingredients for a happy marriage.

See more: funny quotes engagement

Newlyweds sharing an intimate moment with a funny marriage quote about choosing a partner who shares your sense of humor or tolerates your cooking
  • “In marriage, to keep the fire burning, you sometimes have to light a candle – because you forgot to pay the electric bill again.” 
  • “A funny marriage quote for the ages: ‘You can either be right, or you can be happily married.'” 
  • “Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.”
  • “Marriage: where ‘What’s for dinner?’ is the most asked question and the most ignored answer.”
  • “They say in marriage, you’re in it for better or for worse. So, when’s this ‘better’ part coming in?” 
  • “‘For better or worse’ – but let’s aim for better, because I’ve seen your worse and I’ve rethought some things.” 
  • “Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.”
  • “Behind every great marriage is a surprising amount of… coffee. Definitely coffee.”
  • “A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers, and even better at forgetting where the chocolate is hidden.” 
  • “Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do – or at least finds your inability to cook amusing.” 
  • “In marriage, don’t worry about the heavy stuff. Why else did you both say, ‘I do’ to a gym membership?” 
  • “They say marriage is all about compromise. If that’s true, can someone explain why we always watch my wife’s TV shows?”
  • “You know you’re married when ‘You hang up first’ turns into ‘You do the dishes.'” 
  • “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” 
  • “A man in love is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.”
  • “If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you!” 
  • “Marriage is when dating goes into overtime.”
  • “The best way to remember anniversaries is to forget one—just once!” 
  • “A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” 
  • “Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You’re one of them.”
  • “The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” 
  • “In marriage, to avoid conflict, one must master the art of nodding, smiling, and pretending to listen.” 
  • “Marriage teaches you that even when you’re right, you’re just quietly right.” 
  • “Marriage is basically just whispering, ‘Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.'” 

Funny Marriage Anniversary Quotes

Celebrate another year of married happiness with a sense of humor! This collection of humorous marriage anniversary quotes is an excellent way to remember the years together. These amusing remarks make light of the ups and downs of married life, reminding you of the laughter and love that keep you together. Whether you’re looking for the ideal phrase for a card or just want to have a laugh with your spouse, these quotations will make you nostalgically recall and smile.

Affectionate couple celebrating their anniversary with a funny marriage quote, appreciating the better-half in a lighthearted manner.
  • “Anniversary: A time to celebrate the beauty, gift, and the blessing of enduring love, or in our case, the miracle.”
  • “Happy anniversary to my better-in-every-way half. Seriously, you’re amazing.”
  • “Here’s to two imperfect pieces that fit perfectly together. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Another year of marriage means another year of discovering new things to argue about. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “You two are married? I still can’t get over the shock. Happy anniversary!”
  • “You two give me couple goals… how to couple a good laugh with a good eye roll. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Here’s to love, laughter, and the joy of putting up with each other’s quirks. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Happy anniversary! It’s the perfect time to thank you for not using your lawnmower voice before coffee.” 
  • “Cheers to another year of pain and suffering—just kidding, love you! Happy anniversary!”
  • “Happy anniversary to the love of my life and the biggest pain in my backside!” 
  • “On our anniversary, I want you to know that you’re still the best decision I ever made—after buying a dishwasher, obviously.” 
  • “Congratulations on another year spent together! Too bad no one gives out awards for that.” 
  • “Another anniversary means another year to discover new things to annoy each other with!”
  • “Here’s to another year of shared insanity. Happy anniversary!”
  •  “Happy anniversary! It’s truly amazing how long we’ve tolerated each other.” 
  • “They say the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. But on our anniversary, let’s reveal it: Netflix and takeout.” 
  • “Congrats on surviving me another year!” 
  • “Happy anniversary! We’ve been through thick and thin, and we’re still thicker and thinner!”
  • “You’re my favorite husband so far. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Happy anniversary to my bedmate, roommate, soulmate, and debate mate.” 
  • “Here’s to another year of my not having to suffer through constant sports talk. Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Another year with you makes me hope we live forever—imagine the collection of odd socks you’ll have! Happy anniversary!” 
  • “Happy anniversary! It’s time to celebrate the day you finally gave up on finding someone better than me.”

What is a Perfect Marriage Quote?

There’s no single perfect marriage quote, as the ideal sentiment varies for every couple. The key lies in finding quotes that resonate with your unique bond and shared sense of humor. Here are a few examples of lighthearted and meaningful quotes:

  • “Marriage is a workshop…where the husband works and the wife shops”
  • “A happy marriage means falling in love repeatedly and always with the exact same partner.”

Celebrating your love with humor has a unique appeal. A witty marriage phrase presented as a personalized gift from Sandjest provides a special touch. Consider a custom-engraved item with a favorite saying – a constant reminder of the fun and joy you share.


Laughter is the secret sauce of a long and happy marriage! This collection of 100 funny marriage quotes serves as a reminder to keep humor alive in your relationship.  Whether shared during a playful roast, tucked inside a heartfelt anniversary card, or simply enjoyed together, these quotes will bring a smile to your face and reaffirm the joyful, unbreakable bond you share.

Remember that the best professions of love frequently combine sentiment with a bit of fun humor. If you’re looking for a way to add a one-of-a-kind and personal touch to your next anniversary or on wedding, Sandjest has the perfect solution: humorous marriage quotes and personalized gifts. Try engraving your favorite statement on a precious souvenir to create a one-of-a-kind and funny wedding gifts that will be appreciated for years to come. Allow Sandjest to help you express your love via humor, providing a gift-giving experience that genuinely embraces your marriage’s cheerful and laughter-filled spirit.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • 100 Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlywed Couples

  • Thomas Turner | View all blog posts

    Thomas Turner is an SEO Content Writer at Sandjest where he develops and implements content strategies to enhance online visibility and drive organic traffic. With a Bachelor’s degree in Communications from Northwestern University and five years of experience in the marketing and content writing field. In his spare time, Thomas enjoys playing badminton and chess, activities that help him stay active and sharpen his strategic thinking skills.

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